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3 Ways to Support a Loved One During a Time of Loss

Written by Nicole Evans, August 1, 2022

Loss is an incredibly difficult part of our everyday life. It can be viewed in the sense of someone passing away, a relationship coming to an end, or closing the chapter on something. Regardless of the type of loss, feelings of sadness, pain, hurt, and mourning can arise and can be very hard to navigate. Another challenge with loss is knowing how to support someone you love who is going through it. We all have our own way of how we would process a loss, but trying to help someone else in their own experience is very different. In this article we will explore three important ways to help support a loved one through a time of loss.

One of the best things you can do for someone who is grieving is to listen. When someone is going through a loss, they may not know how to fully process what they are experiencing. They may be feeling a mix of emotions that are painful, do not quite make sense to them, or may conflict with each other (e.g., sad one moment, laughing the next). Because they are trying to sort out what is coming up for them, it is SO important for their loved ones to be there with open ears and open hearts. Someone who is grieving needs the support of someone who will sit with them in their feelings, without judgment, and listen. This may be difficult because seeing someone you love in pain can be very hard, but they do not need to be “fixed” in that moment, hear what the solutions to their loss may be, or how it will get easier with time; they need you to listen and to be there. Going into “fix-it” mode, will likely cause the person to not feel heard and can translate your discomfort to them. This can ultimately push your loved one away, or can cause them to minimize what they are going through in order to take care of you and your feelings. Instead, slow down and listen.

Another important form of support is to give your loved one the time and room to heal. It can be tempting to try and push them to start doing things, to get out of the house, be social, etc., but all of those things need to be done in time and when your loved one is ready, not just because you want that for them. Pushing someone to move through their grief quicker than they are ready to, can cause a suppression of their feelings to build up internally, which can then come out completely misplaced later in life. Loss does not go away over night and is not linear, so the feelings around it may constantly be changing. It is important for someone who is grieving to feel and ride all of the waves of emotion that come with the grief- meaning some days they may feel able to take on the day and socialize with friends, and another day they may want to stay in with a good shoulder to cry on; most importantly, however, is them knowing that you are with them on this difficult ride and are not pushing them to be somewhere they are not in their loss process.

Lastly, check in on them. Often times with loss, people do not know how to bring up their feelings or how to talk about what they are going through. They may worry it will be “too much” for someone to hear, or may feel overwhelmed trying to sort through their emotions. This can cause them to not know how to ask for the help or the support that they need because they, themselves, may not even know what that support looks like. This is why it is crucial to check in on your loved one and remind them that you are there. Let them know that you want to listen if they want to talk, or send a simple text such as “thinking of you today,” or “checking in to see how you’re doing.” Reaching out or sending that text may be the one thing they needed to hear that day and can help start a healing conversation. People also tend to forget that loss can take a really long time to move through- so you may think your loved one is “fine” because some time has passed, but they may be hurting and need to be checked in on. Remind them that you are still there.

Loss looks and feels different for everyone so know that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. Also, coming to acceptance of a loss can take years and years, if ever, for someone. So listen, make room for their loss, and check in on them. Also remember that while you are trying to support them, it is very important to support YOU during this time! Watching someone you love go through any kind of loss, may bring up a lot of your own feelings. It is so important for you to reach out to your own loved ones and your own forms of support, so that you can heal and process through your emotions as well.

The Struggle Between External Validation vs. Internal Validation

Written by Nicole Evans, January 27, 2023

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that you need to completely get rid of external validation and only rely on internal validation. That is not possible- it will almost always feel good to have something positive said about you or to know that someone thinks positively of you! External validation is great in addition to internal validation. External validation teeters into dangerous territory for yourself, when you start to rely on that validation or approval of others to fully measure your self worth and value, instead of the value you place on yourself.

When we think negatively about ourselves or that we are not good enough, we look elsewhere to see if that is true or untrue. When we do not get the positive external validation, it only intensifies and validates our own negative thoughts; When we do get it, it only makes us want it more when we feel negative again (which you will). Thus, creating a vicious cycle with yourself.

This can show up anywhere, all of the time, if you keep engaging with the cycle instead of addressing it. Posting something on instagram is a great example- if you find yourself posting just to see how many likes/positive comments that you might get, or to see if a specific person/group of people watch your content and then message you, etc. You might notice that this makes you feel better or gives you temporary relief in the moment, but then can lead you seeking for it more. The opposite is also true- if you make the post, but then do not get the likes/comments/views you were hoping for, it validates your negative thoughts about yourself and can cause you to feel worse about yourself.

While doing this, we are just putting a band-aid on our negative thoughts, rather than getting to the root of the issue of where these thoughts came from in the first place, or learning the skills for how to actually challenge those thoughts to start thinking positively about ourselves (which is why those pesky negative thoughts always come back in).

The goal is to acknowledge that you feel this way about yourself and where it comes from, and to start giving yourself that same compassion that you are wanting so badly from others. It starts with you giving yourself the compliment, the praise, the recognition, etc., not waiting for someone else to give it to you. When you start to recognize your worth, that you are enough, and that you have so many great things to offer, what someone else thinks of you starts to dissipate because the weight of their opinion has decreased and now there is more emphasis on what YOU think. But remember, this only works if you are actively trying to change the negative thoughts in your head by replacing them with accurate, positive, and supportive thoughts. This is when you can stop seeking the approval of others, and you can start approving yourself.

So my challenge to you: the next time you want to do ANYTHING, do it for YOU because it matters to YOU, not for someone else.

Learning to Give Anxiety a Seat at the Table

Written by Nicole Evans, February 2, 2023

Give your anxiety a seat at the table. This concept is the key to working through anxiety. If you are one of my clients or have ever had a therapy related conversation with me, then you know that I cannot stress this idea enough and say it all the time!!

In order to get “rid” of your anxiety, you have to learn to be ok to live with your anxiety. The more that you try to run from it, push it away, stigmatize it, or ignore it- the more you are actually fueling that anxiety to become bigger and stronger.

In order to do this, we need to learn how to become more comfortable with the fact that you have anxiety in the first place. It is important to remember that anxiety is a natural response in our bodies, and that we ALL have it- we need it to function and to signal to ourselves when we are in danger. When you shame yourself for having anxious feelings or try to fight them away, you are creating more pressure for yourself, which causes you to be harder on yourself the next time it creeps in.

The goal is not to learn to all of a sudden love your anxiety, but it’s to start welcoming it and acknowledging that it is there. By working to accept that you might have anxiety, and that it is normal and ok, you alleviate the build up and pressure that you’ve been creating around getting anxiety.

So, welcome it in and give it a seat at the table (even if you didn’t invite this guest over), make it comfortable and ask if it needs anything (it might be very needy and take a long time to get comfortable), and then get back to the other guests sitting with you that bring you joy and make you feel calm. The more you don’t want to see that it is there, the more frustrated it will get and the more attention this guest will need. The more you recognize that it is real and needs to be welcomed and cared for, the more it will learn to quiet down and not need your undivided attention .